A slave to the dollar

•January 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment


Going forward, if this blog is to be of better use to readers, I think it would be beneficial to place less emphasis on the theory of Loving Female Authority, and more emphasis on personal, real-world application of the lifestyle. Namely, that of yours truly. There is no shortage of sources outlining the ABCs of LFA, and while this is helpful from a purely informational standpoint, a pitfall is that one may be led into thinking, “This is how a real FLR should be. I should be doing all the housework,” or, “She should be handling all the finances.” This is where a look at how Goddess V and I work together in our marriage may hopefully create some balance. Its not meant to be a recipe for the perfect FemDom marriage, but merely a glimpse at how we interact as domme and submissive, and a few snapshots illustrating some of what we’ve learned thus far in our D/s relationship.

Across cyber space in the Venus on Top group, one of the male members counseled a fellow submissive that he should unequivocally relinquish all personal wealth as well as responsibility for finances to his mistress. He was probably parroting something he’d read on one FemDom site or another, that only then could a man know the peace of a “true” FLR. In response to this advice, QueenBee Debbie, a female moderator of this group, angrily aimed her stinger at this notion. I recall thinking to myself when I first read the man’s post, that some men seem to have an amazingly myopic view of what should comprise “proper behavior” of a submissive male. It did my heart good to read that a dominant woman agreed.

We’ve all read about the submissive male who either does not work or has direct deposit into an account to which he has no access. Furthermore, all possessions, house, cars, investments, even the toaster and lawnmower are in his lady’s name. He gets only a meager allowance that she determines. Being a total financial slave may be a noble notion, even romantic to some submissive men. But in reality, its downright impractical if not imbecilic. I won’t bother with running down the many, many reasons for this. If you can’t pull at least a half a dozen from your gray matter on your own, then you’re not likely to be convinced of this anyway. I suspect I’ll incur the wrath of a few “true” male subs when I say that I’d guess there are about as many real-world submissive men who actually practice total financial servitude as who eat dinner from a dog dish and sleep in a cage at the foot of the bed.

Having said all that, now I’ll tell you that Goddess V controls most of the money in our relationship. LOL. We both work fulltime. I would have no problem staying at home to keep house, but I earn more than twice what she earns. My pay is deposited directly into joint checking and savings accounts from which Goddess V pays all the bills electronically and sets aside what she can for our future (which she will tell you is getting harder and harder these days with the escalating cost of living). I get a weekly allowance that often allows me to stash away ten or twenty bucks for a rainy day. That rainy day typically comes round nearly every few weeks when for one of a thousand reasons, money for the week is tighter than usual. We operate on a cash basis as much as possible, but we both carry plastic. I may not use my credit cards or my debit card unless I check with Goddess V.

We eat out more than we should and when we do, Goddess V nearly always pays the check. (She often orders for me as well.) In fact, when we do anything that costs money, she normally pays. We usually discuss large purchases, but I must tell you that she arranged the last two large buys which were both automobiles. One of them is in my name, the other is in both names because it meant getting a better interest rate versus putting it in just hers. Goddess V arranged the refi on our home last year, and added my name to the deed in the process. She also made all of the vacation arrangements and took care of associated expenses, but after I researched and recommended the resort. When it comes to home decorating and remodeling, I pretty much have carte blanche, provided I listen to her ideas first, then put my creative spin on her vision.

Regardless of our respective dominant and submissive roles, it’s a toss up as to which of us is best suited to handle the finances in our marriage. Both of us are reasonably intelligent and have a healthy respect for what a dollar can and cannot buy. But neither of us is overly smart with money either. Were that true, we wouldn’t still be working at this stage of our lives. Money is nearly always an issue in one way or another. As with many marriages, vanilla or otherwise, if we are going to argue about something, it will typically be about… you guessed it. I get more cranked up over it than she. Though dominant and submissive, we are no different than the majority of working people: there never seems to be quite enough money by one standard, yet always just enough by another. Maddening how that works. It’s almost as if it were planned, is it not?

Coming… and going

•January 12, 2008 • 2 Comments

Well, maybe not completely just yet, but we’re coming back. You see, the thing is, Goddess V and I have a real-world relationship, meaning our marriage is subject to real world pressures. As is often said, “Shit happens.” Since last Spring, we’ve had our share of crap happen to us: illness, job challenges, surgery, loss of loved ones and so forth. The end result is that we’ve been preoccupied and not much inclined to post to this blog.

The good news is that through it all Goddess V and I have hung together. Better, we’re coming away from these experiences with changed attitudes about certain things and some new ways of thinking as well. We are sure this will serve us well by helping us make the most of our lives (both as individuals and as a couple) in the coming months and years.

While they are leaving
I’m sad to say the Female Led Forum is closing down by the end of this week. Goddess Aradia and Goddess Holly have decided enough is enough and are no longer willing to keep the group going. Moreover, they are unwilling to allow someone else to step in and take over. In the year or so that I belonged to the group, there were never more than about 150 members, but because members were required to post at least once each month, it was a fairly active group. It was a good place to seek advice or just compare notes with people who share a common interest in establishing and maintaining an FLR. There are a lot of crappy FemDom websites out there, but even though I had trouble identifying with some of the group members, this was one of the best for practical, no-nonsense information about female led relationships.

And VOT is coming
The ladies who run the Yahoo Venus on Top Forum are working on an improved VOT website to promote female led relationships (see like to current site at right). They say the revised site will be up and running soon and will be a non-threatening place where vanilla-oriented women can go to learn more about this lifestyle. Not only will this help fill the void left by the defunct forum mentioned above, the fact that the intention is to be “vanilla with a twist”, it may prove to be a very valuable new source that will help advance the FLR cause.

Awareness

•August 24, 2007 • 6 Comments


We have goldfinches who visit our yard each summer to pick at the sunflowers I’ve planted or the thistle that VK puts in one of our bird feeders. A few weeks ago we were on our deck, watching them when I confessed to VK how until 5 or 6 years ago, I was completely unaware of them. The same for the cardinals who feast on sunflower seeds all year long (provided the pesky squirrels don’t gobble them up first). And ditto for a red headed wood pecker who occasionally makes an appearance.

In my defense I’ve gotta say that bird watching was not one of my priorities. I mean, I was too busy raising a house full of kids as a full time Mom. That was A LOT of work! But then one day when I was getting near the age of forty, I did become aware of something that was unexpected. No, it wasn’t the birds. It was how my marriage had become a relationship I no longer wanted to be part of in the years ahead. Stick a fork in me—I realized I was done.

For a couple of years after that I don’t think I was aware of much of anything, except maybe the fog that seemed to fill my head. But today my life is very different. I have beautiful birds in my yard! One snowy day a few years ago, my youngest son was amazed to see 5 or 6 cardinals on our deck. I thought that was so cool when I realized that even though he was 16 years old, he’d never seen anything like that.

The birds were probably always in the neighborhood. It only took planting sunflowers or a hand full of birdseed from VK to bring them into our yard. VK says all the time, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Sounded like gibberish to me at first but now I think it says it all. Once you’re aware of something, it can change your life—in ways you might never have imagined before you knew what you now know. But I think you have to open yourself to being aware.

BTW, VK dug up a few interesting facts. The American Goldfinch in the picture above is a male. The female (right) is more olive green. The male is also green but is the only bird to molt twice in one year. He turns bright yellow in the Spring in order to be more attractive to the female. Goldfinches are thought to stay with the same mate for life, except that sometimes a female will leave her first mate to tend to the nest while she goes off to mate with another male, who she then stays with for life. Ya gotta love nature!

Awareness

•August 24, 2007 • 6 Comments


We have goldfinches who visit our yard each summer to pick at the sunflowers I’ve planted or the thistle that VK puts in one of our bird feeders. A few weeks ago we were on our deck, watching them when I confessed to VK how until 5 or 6 years ago, I was completely unaware of them. The same for the cardinals who feast on sunflower seeds all year long (provided the pesky squirrels don’t gobble them up first). And ditto for a red headed wood pecker who occasionally makes an appearance.

In my defense I’ve gotta say that bird watching was not one of my priorities. I mean, I was too busy raising a house full of kids as a full time Mom. That was A LOT of work! But then one day when I was getting near the age of forty, I did become aware of something that was unexpected. No, it wasn’t the birds. It was how my marriage had become a relationship I no longer wanted to be part of in the years ahead. Stick a fork in me—I realized I was done.

For a couple of years after that I don’t think I was aware of much of anything, except maybe the fog that seemed to fill my head. But today my life is very different. I have beautiful birds in my yard! One snowy day a few years ago, my youngest son was amazed to see 5 or 6 cardinals on our deck. I thought that was so cool when I realized that even though he was 16 years old, he’d never seen anything like that.

The birds were probably always in the neighborhood. It only took planting sunflowers or a hand full of birdseed from VK to bring them into our yard. VK says all the time, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Sounded like gibberish to me at first but now I think it says it all. Once you’re aware of something, it can change your life—in ways you might never have imagined before you knew what you now know. But I think you have to open yourself to being aware.

BTW, VK dug up a few interesting facts. The American Goldfinch in the picture above is a male. The female (right) is more olive green. The male is also green but is the only bird to molt twice in one year. He turns bright yellow in the Spring in order to be more attractive to the female. Goldfinches are thought to stay with the same mate for life, except that sometimes a female will leave her first mate to tend to the nest while she goes off to mate with another male, who she then stays with for life. Ya gotta love nature!

Empowerment

•August 10, 2007 • 10 Comments


VeezKnight read a post in the Venus on Top Yahoo group and thought the new member to that group made some good points. I agree. We know that many submissive men try to get their wives to lead their marriages. And some (many?) are unsuccessful. I think one of the reasons for this is that submissive men often have more to their agenda than just being in a wife-led marriage. They don’t just want to be “led”, they want to be totally and completely dominated.

It’s true that there is nothing that will drive a man happily into sub space like being dominated by a woman he loves. (The fact of the matter is there are few limits to how far a dominant wife can push and control her husband if she handles him properly.) I see nothing wrong with this—it’s as it should be. And when FemDom reaches full stride that’s how it WILL be.

BUT the transition from traditional vanilla doesn’t happen over night.

In the beginning, it’s a mistake for a man to expect his submission will be defined by the level of dominance the woman is initially willing to bring into the relationship. As Paul learned below, a man’s sense of submission needs to be realized from within, without depending on a dominant woman to define it for him. The thing is, and take it from me, dominating a man is a lot of responsibility and a lot of work too!

This is why when a man depends solely on a woman’s dominance to satisfy his need to submit, the FemDom dynamic probably isn’t gonna work effectively. As you’ll read below, Paul learned that becoming an empowered submissive—instead of a needy one—resulted in empowering his wife to more fully embrace her female authority. So you see, even though a male’s role is to follow, support and submit to the female, he can actually help “lead” the relationship into being a FemDom relationship that satisfies both.

This isn’t the same as “stealth submission,” where the man knocks himself out while the woman knows nothing of what’s going on in his head. This is frustrating for a man and difficult for many to sustain. But in a situation where the woman is in the loop and is at least marginally agreeable, the outcome, as in Paul’s case, can be very different. One feeds the other. The more the male empowers himself through self-actualization of his submissive nature, the more it frees the woman to explore her authority and become an empowered dominant woman. The more empowered she becomes, the more it validates and drives the male’s sense of submission to new highs—or should I say ‘lows.’ ☺ Soon the relationship is …..

Thank you to Paul for giving us permission to reprint his experience here.

Paul wrote:

For years I asked my wife to be more dominant. I bought her books. I bought her toys. I asked in every way I could think of and even though she actually complied a lot of the time I was never satisfied. For me it was like an addiction. No matter what she did for me or to me I always wanted more. In truth I was very ashamed of being a submissive male and I forever wanted her to force me to be sub so I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for choosing submission.

Meanwhile, my incessant requests helped my wife to feel that she wasn’t good enough. Because I always asked for more, she felt I was rejecting what she did give me and thus rejected her. She also felt that I was being extremely controlling and although I said I wanted her to be in control I was constantly trying to manipulate her.

I did some counseling with a kink-friendly therapist who had worked for many years as a professional dominatrix. She told me very clearly, ” lead with love, lead with joy, but never ever lead with need! It’s unattractive! ” What I learned was to approach my wife with the joy of who I am and the deep love I have for her and not approach her with neediness. She also taught me what an ” empowered submissive” is. I learned that this kind of sub didn’t need anyone else to make them a sub. In other words, I chose to accept who I am and I didn’t need my wife to do or say anything so I could feel OK about being me.

After my work with this counselor, I decided I could not create a FLR. I wonder if any man can. What I did decide is that I could be in a male-following relationship. Having let go of my shame I no longer needed my wife to force me to be the person I knew I truly am. To meet my own need for submission, I settled in to serving my wife and doing my best to obey her will whether she asserted it dominantly or not.

I had been entirely focused on myself and I truly had no expectation that she would change her behavior. The funny thing was, my wife, almost immediately after I made this change, changed as well. She became extremely dominant. She said that I had taken the pressure off of her and she wasn’t feeling manipulated anymore. She said she had breathing room and was enjoying her new domain.

Basically what I think happened for me is; having made my needs known to my wife, way too strenuously, I was helped to let go of being needy and focus instead on meeting my own needs by serving her, whether she responded or not. She then did respond, big time! She felt safe to be dominant because I had finally stopped dominating the relationship with my need for submission. Does that make sense?

Yes, Paul, it makes A LOT of sense.

–Goddess V

Femquility

•August 3, 2007 • 8 Comments


Imagine a small cohousing community out of the mainstream, perhaps located on the outskirts of a small rural town. It’s more akin to a village, in which neighbors know one another’s names, smile when they say hello and gather often in a central Common House. Flowers abound and gardens are abundant with vegetables grown organically as residents honor nature and strive to live sustainably.

Imagine a peaceful community in which humans cohabit, where their footprint on Mother Earth is deliberately shallow, and where respect and appreciation for the resources she provides is the order of the day. Residents live separately in modest, but comfortable houses which, while scattered randomly throughout the landscape, are strategically positioned to take advantage of the sun’s solar energy.

But these are not the only features making this community a unique place in which to live. Here woman is revered and worshipped as goddess. Here a Wise Women Council governs and men hold little sway in either private or public affairs. In this community residents reject traditional patriarchy in favor of loving, female-led relationships. FemDom is practiced openly. Women rule absolutely, with males relegated to supportive roles in submission to female authority.

Sound too good to be true? Perhaps, but not in the imagination of one visionary dominant woman. Her vision is to secure a parcel of land in the southeastern sector of the United States, from North Carolina to Florida, on which to develop a FemDom ecovillage that encompasses all of this and more. She calls this community Femquility.

Ms. Lisa Kelly of Naples, Florida is promoting Femquility via a website that presents a somewhat detailed overview of her proposed community, accompanied by welcoming visuals of how the community might look once fully established. Incidentally, all of the graphics in this post were taken from her site. Based solely on the concept, the vision, the dream, I’m enthralled with the notion of calling such a place home. I might add that Goddess V is already itching to have me back our bags.

Unfortunately, Femquility has yet to break ground, nor has there even been a flag planted to mark it’s future location. Enthusiastic as I am, the pragmatist in me warns that translating Ms. Lisa’s dream into reality will require an effort that is nothing short of Herculean. The financial challenges alone are daunting. Short of finding a wealthy dominant woman or submissive man with the financial wherewithal to bankroll such a project, how does one raise enough capital to purchase a reasonably desirable tract of land let alone begin developing it.

Then too, how does one connect with enough people willing to invest in individual properties in Femquility. How many of those people are actually able to relocate due to children, family ties, jobs and other obligations? One European recently wrote in an FLR forum: great idea but too bad its in the United States. Hmmm.


I’m 120 miles from Goddess V as I write this, yet I can hear her say, “If you think negative crap, that’s just what you’ll get.” So let’s end on a positive note. According to experts, the ideal number of people to populate an ecovillage is between 50 and 150. Since the plan for Femquility calls for just 33 individual housing units, not that many people are needed to buy in. And it could very well be that somewhere in the southeastern US, there lives a dominant woman and/or submissive man who owns enough suitable land on which Femquility could be built. It’s a matter of connecting with enough of the right people who believe strongly enough in FemDom and loving female-led relationships.

Femquility is a concept whose time is overdue. Hopefully we’ll soon be reading that construction is under way. I added a permanent link to the Femquility website in the sidebar at right. You can also join the Femquility Yahoo Group to keep tabs on progress.

RLS and FLR: a matter of genetics?

•July 30, 2007 • 8 Comments


One evening about 10 years ago when Goddess V and I had first begun seeing each other, it was late, I had driven over two hours to see her, I was tired and we were sitting in my car talking. I began getting “that” feeling in my legs. Only because she noticed how they seemed to twitch uncontrollably did if I think to talk about it with her.

Then in 2004 GlaxoSmithKline began marketing Requip® for the treatment of RLS. When I first saw their ad I thought, “I’ll be damned.” What I’d been experiencing for over 15 years actually had a name: Restless Legs Syndrome. Goddess V and I looked at each other in amazement as a 60-second television ad, in a sense, legitimized what we both had considered to be just one of my odd-ball (and annoying, if you ask the goddess) quirks. Suddenly I was no longer unique or strange. I was one of many, so many that a pharmaceutical powerhouse was targeting us with their marketing campaign.

GSK has fallen under heavy fire from the medical community and the mainstream media for “disease mongering”; for promoting a little-substantiated medical condition and for attempting to convince millions of people they could avoid suffering symptoms of this condition by taking a drug that GSK had conveniently invented. As it turns out, Requip (ropinirol HCL and marketed as Adartrel® in the UK), was already an obscure, approved treatment for Parkinson’s Disease. It wasn’t until May 2005 that it was successfully repurposed by obtaining US FDA approval for treatment of RLS. Successful indeed! Sales of Requip soared to nearly $500 million in 2006, further fueling debate over GSK’s motives—except that new research indicates that RLS is genetically encoded, which may end the debate once and for all.

Two recent studies have pinpointed three common genetic variations linked to RLS. Gene scans identify a variation in the BTBD9 gene, another in the MEIS1 gene and a third in a DNA sector shared by the MAP2K5 and LBXCOR1 genes that are linked with RLS and other periodic limb movements during sleep. Says David Rye, MD, PhD, professor of neurology at Emory University School of Medicine where one study was conducted, “We now have concrete evidence that RLS is an authentic disorder with recognizable features and underlying biological basis.” It is estimated that 65% of the population carry at least one of these gene variants and that one person in ten experiences RLS.

Also known as Ekborn’s syndrome, RLS was described in the 1940s by Swedish neurologist, Karl A. Ekborn. And earlier descriptions can be traced back to the 17th century when English anatomist and physician, Thomas Willis, described the disorder. BTBD9-and-whatever-genes be damned, those of us who experience RLS didn’t need GSK, or genetic research, or even the government for that matter, to tell us the sensations we feel in our legs are very real!

But this post isn’t so much about restless legs per se—and it isn’t meant to infer that FemDom is a disorder in need of medical treatment. Clearly, RLS has been affecting people for a very long time. But for one reason or another, the afflicted didn’t talked about it much until it was brought into the mainstream of social awareness by GSK’s advertising. Many of us had been quietly laying awake at night half tempted to cut off our damn legs, when suddenly we discovered there were “other people like us” out there. It became a legitimate topic of conversation through which we learned that some of our friends and acquaintances also suffered from RLS. It was a bit like when Viagra ads hit the media, catapulting ED into the light of day—but without the performance stigma that makes men shy to fess up.

Likewise, those of us living FLRs didn’t need the IOWA study or the MSNBC poll I mentioned in my last post to prove to us that male submission to female authority is gaining momentum in our society. We didn’t need to be told how it’s now being considered by psychologists as a possible marker of a successful marriage. DUH. Submissive men already know what we know. So do the dominant women who have formally acknowledge their authority over their men.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if scientists were to discover a submissive male gene along with a corresponding dominant gene in the female. But short of that the recent studies and polls are helping to validate our lifestyle by providing evidence that there are growing numbers of people out there who are “just like us.” With or without a so-called proven genetic biological basis, the transition in society to female authority is happening.

 
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