We’re baaaaack

change ahead01

Call it a reset or a new beginning

I started this blog way back in ’06 when GoddessV and I were two years into shifting to a wife-led marriage. Male submission to female authority was new to me then and I was excited about it because introducing the dynamic into our relationship was responsible for resurrecting a relationship that was headed for a breakup. So I wrote for a couple of years about various aspects of a female-led relationship (or FLR), including some of the thoughts I had about FLRs in general. GoddessV also contributed although to a limited degree. The hope was that in doing so, I/we might encourage others to consider introducing this dynamic into their marriage or partnership.

As time went on, the blog acquired an amazing degree of readership, which led me to believe that there are many people out there who are interested in a wife-led marriage. Many of them were men who wanted to be led if not dominated by the women in their lives, among those, many who were unsure of how to introduce this dynamic into their relationship. It was all very gratifying to think that my writings may have helped, but the truth is, I felt as though I had run out of things to say. And Wife-Led Marriage went silent… until now.

Cyberspace is littered with dead or dormant blogs so that one might wonder what happened to the authors responsible for creating them. Did they pass on? Did they lose interest? Did they have a change of mind or heart? Were they full of crap from the get-go? Lately I’ve been thinking that in the case of this blog, people might wonder: were VeezKnight and GoddessV still living a FLR; did the dynamic simply not work; did we give up on it; worse—did we end up getting divorced?

Happily, VeezKnight and GoddessV are still together. Our marriage is still very much wife-led. But we are older, and we like to think, wiser than when we first married. Consequently the FemDom dynamic in our marriage has deepened and evolved. To put it simply, the point in reviving this blog is to chronicle the hows and whys.

FemDom by any other name

I got to thinking it might be a good idea to restate what may (or may not) seem to some to be the obvious. Quite a few terms are bandied about when it comes to this particular mindset or lifestyle. Below I’ve listed some of the ones I’ve seen, and I’m sure there are more. In my mind, they all pretty much mean the same thing: the male submits to the authority of a dominant female. Our blog is about this dynamic taking place in a marriage; thus, I would fine tune it by saying “male submission to a loving, dominant female”

Unfortunately all marriages do not necessarily include the L-word. Ours however includes lots of it, so that descriptor works for us quite well. For me, the love element, more so than any other aspect of this lifestyle, is most important. There are some men for whom the need to be dominated by a woman is so strong, that if for one reason or another this need is not satisfied by the wife, they will seek it outside the marriage. I’m not one of those guys.

  • Female Authority
  • Loving Female Authority
  • Caring Female Authority
  • FemDom
  • Female Domination
  • Female-Led Relationship
  • Wife-Led Relationship
  • Wife-Led Marriage

I suspect the term people shy away from more than any other is the term FemDom, which is shorthand for female domination. Undoubtedly this is because it conjures up images of a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix doing all sorts of humiliating things to her male submissive. The nasty D-word is the culprit. By definition, the word is threatening. If you take the word out of the equation, things begin to take on a decidedly less threatening shade of blue… or is that black/blue. In fact, since women seem to have a way of ending up controlling most marriages, descriptors such as “Female-Led Relationship” begin to sound downright mainstream.

My advice is not to get too hung up on the terms themselves. Goddess V does not dress up in leather and whip me senseless until I’m reduced to a quivering mass of humiliated pond scum. Yet I have no problem referring to our relationship as one that is FemDom based. After all, Goddess V is a female and she does assume a dominant role to which I submit. Bingo. Whatever else our relationship may or may not include, the term FemDom is perfectly appropriate.

Whoa, who knew…

Surprised_Look
… it would be an entire year between posts on this blog. Actually, after several months had passed without posting, I began to pretty much assume I would let this blog fade into oblivion. I simply didn’t feel as though I had much of anything worthwhile to impart. You know how it goes, you find yourself repeating things you had said in the past, almost like a senior citizen recounts ad nauseam events that happened 40 years ago. THAT can get old real fast.

The other day I went through my bookmarked blogs and was surprised (but not really) to find that half of them had been deleted. Hell, even Emily and Ken at AHF are having a tough go of it keeping their monthly Q/A letters current. Never fear though, over at Yes, I’m a Submissive Man, John is still posting prolifically (and still longing to be collared and Queened—no offense, John).

Then I logged in here on our blog and truly WAS surprised. We still average nearly 190 unique visitors per day. If I can believe StatCounter, just this week there have been 1,400 unique visitors and 1,200 first-time visitors. And to date this year, there have been over 70,000 page loads. Holy crap! Seems there are a great many more people interested in this lifestyle than one might initially guess.

Goddess V and I discussed this and she “suggested” that I continue to post. That was easy for her to say since I’m the one who must make it so. Never mind that I’m both the writer and the submissive in our relationship. Of course it makes even more sense when I consider the original intent for maintaining this blog was mainly to encourage and legitimize interest in Female-Led Relationships, Loving Female Authority and FemDom in general.

So considering the continued interest in this lifestyle, I’ll attempt to pick up where I left off over one year ago. I’ll share some of the challenges we face in keeping our FemDom relationship alive in the face of real life, because life insists on intervening, not just on ya’ll but on Goddess V and me as well. I’ll also share thoughts on some new directions we are considering, as well as how and why we are increasingly less concerned with how others may see us and more intent on living a lifestyle that works for us.

The normalcy of abnormality

The July-August 2008 issue of Psychology Today featured this provocative cover, along with an article from which I’ve include a few excerpts.

A man trolls through web sites, searching for someone to fulfill his fantasy. Waves of anticipation alternate with a nagging fear that he will be exposed as a freak, a pervert as being abnormal.

What would his friends and family think of him if they knew his secret goal in life was to marry and kneel and kiss, and even lick, the feet of a dominant woman? What if they could read the thoughts lurking inside his mind, dark thoughts of being locked in a chastity device or turned bare-ass over his wife’s knee for misbehaving in a manner that displeased her.

According to this Psych Today article, Feelings or habits… that are out of the ordinary can cause anguish to those who can’t understand—and don’t appreciate—their own outré tendencies. Of course some people are proud to be twisted, and even cultivate strangeness, but why do many others obsess over not being normal?

Says Dustin Wood, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, “Normality is the barometer people use to figure out if they’re acting the way they should be.”

It turns out that Wood supposedly has made the ‘surprising’ discovery that being normal is actually extraordinary… or, umm, abnormal. He says that normal is comprised of an unusual combination of specific traits that all have to do with being extra likable. People who see themselves as most normal (and are seen that way by others) are much less neurotic than the average person, uncommonly easy to get along with, unusually respectful of propriety, and highly responsible.

But alas, normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren’t universally appealing. According to Wood, they’re not adventurous. They’re not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual, or–you guessed it–ABNORMAL.

Now if you’re anything like me, right about now you’re shaking your head and saying to yourself, “What the hell?” This is probably exactly why the editor of Psych Today decided they needed to punch up newsstand appeal by splashing a dominatrix on the cover. Give readers a spicy graphic and teaser headline and maybe they’ll be too stupid to ask intelligent questions.

Journalism like this makes we want to not read much of anything being cranked out by the mainstream media these days. So much of it amounts to being nothing more than a pile of crap, as evidenced by the whip-wielding babe in the dominatrix outfit. Obviously the emphasis here is on selling newsstand copies versus meaningful reporting that might actually help a reader.

What some of us really want is insight allowing us to accurately access whether or not VeezKnight and Goddess V are twisted wackos for creating this blog? Or whether or not YOU are a pee in the same pod for reading it? Or whether or not those of us in or seeking FemDom relationships are hopelessly too far outside of acceptable mainstream behavior. Or whether or not maybe, just maybe we are on the cusp of a dramatic change in our society from patriarchy to matriarchy?

I wonder: does it really matter? If we are to glean anything at all from the lackluster PT article, it’s the fact that normalcy is apparently a less than abundant commodity in our society. Who’da thunk it! Moreover, in some learned camps, being normal is consider to be, in a word–BORING.


So who the hell cares? Besides, even if you do lust over being whipped by a powerful dominatrix, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe you aren’t so out-of-the-ordinary. Check out the website of Mini Cooper of Canada. It features a PVC clad domme wielding a whip, flogger, paddle and feather tickler. Oh yeah, she’s supposed to be selling Mini Coopers… but is she really? As the Canadians say, ya gotta give your head a shake.

Check it out
http://www.neverinneutral.com/dominatrix/subpage.html

One picture is worth a thousand words


This photo apparently is currently circulating throughout email land, and was forwarded to me this morning by a married friend who, while being an “in-charge” kinda guy, has been happily married long enough to know who REALLY leads the relationship. The subject line of the email read: A man’s life summed up in one photo!! I got a good laugh when I opened the email and saw the picture. Indeed, it does pretty much say it all. The interesting thing is that most men will look at this picture and smile and pass the email on to a buddy. That’s because most guys in their heart of hearts know this to be true. A submissive man knows better than most that it is through our own sexuality that women have the ultimate power to control us. The hell of it is, this is not something that men voluntarily give to women. It was wired into us by Mother Nature, so there must be a damn good reason for it—don’t ya think?

She Makes the Rules


In case you’re not aware, the Venus On Top Yahoo forum I’ve mentioned here in the past is no longer functional. But that’s not bad news because it’s been replaced by a brand new free website that is only a few weeks old and already has 1000+ members. Called She Makes the Rules, it’s run by the same moderators who were in charge of VOT. Barbara Wright Abernathy, who founded VOT, is supportive but no longer directly involved. The purpose of the site is to provide a non-threatening introduction to female-led relationships and loving female authority. Toward that end, the moderators do not allow any posts or photos that are too over the top. However, they allow far more latitude regarding some of the kinkier issues often associated with female domination than was ever the case with VOT.

Unfortunately, it’s looking more and more as if Around Her Finger has gone into cyber limbo. The Addison’s website hasn’t changed in years, and now the blog on which they faithfully posted new letters each and every month, has remained static since April. Not a good sign. So if you are in the process of adopting an FLR, or are looking for a non-threatening venue to help introduce the lifestyle to your spouse, She Makes the Rules is now just about the only game in town. Becoming an SMTR member is a must.

So check it out. You’ll find discussions on all sorts of topics and you can create your own forum topic as well. And if you are single, there’s a section in which you can place a personal ad to help you meet a dominant or submissive partner. I’ve added a link in the Additional Resources section at right.

Update June 12th:
Happily, the Around Her Finger Q/A blog run by Ken & Emily Addison is still in operation. The link is listed at right.

Update June 28th
She Makes the Rules has now been up for 8 weeks and already has 1500 members. Of course you always have your share of lurkers and those who join but never return, but so far discussions on this forum are first-rate. It’s obvious the moderators are spending an enormous amount of time ensuring SMTR is both a success and non-threatening as possible to new-comers. If you are interested enough in Loving Female Authority to be reading this blog, then you really should be a member of SMTR.

Internet nonsense


I am constantly amazed at the nonsense one can find on the Internet, some of it posted by seemingly well-meaning people. Consider this recent post in a forum about disciplinary wives:

“I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to understand a man with a small penis might be more submissive than a man with a normal or large penise. As society and/or human nature views anything to do with ‘normal’, the penis is rather significant. Many men with this problem consider themselves inadequate and as such, submission to women is almost necessary for a marriage or relationship, to work.”

The fellow concluded by saying:

“There are usually reasons for smaller than a normal size [penis]. In my case, I was born 2 months premature in 1939. I missed the lineup for sexual organs and brains, and to be truthful, should never have married.”

No offense to the guy who wrote the post, but when I got to that last sentence, I couldn’t help but think …missed the lineup for brains? You can say THAT again! Does this mean that all submissive men are sub-standard in the endowment area? Is this what makes a man submissive—or not? What about a guy who is “cursed” with a big schlong? Would he physically be incapable of making an acceptable submissive? Maybe when pigs fly.

Over on another Loving Female Authority blog, a dominant friend of ours recently wrote about how submissive men routinely ask her if she enjoys humiliating men. Knowing that some submissive men want dominant women to make fun of their penises, telling them they are too small to be worthy or respect, she made it clear she has nothing but respect for a man who is submissive and gives himself up to her.

She said she sees no reason (and Goddess V and I concur) why a dominate woman must belittle the man who submits to her. While it’s true that for many submissive men, a certain amount of humiliation in a relationship is welcome, there is nothing written in stone of which I am aware that says humiliation is required in a female-led relationship.

So way to go to those submissive guys who think they need to be treated as lowly worms for having tiny tools that couldn’t possible satisfy a woman. We men already take heat for thinking with the wrong heard… you know, the ‘little’ head that holds a brain far smaller then the ‘big’ head. With talk like this, you’re gonna create the impression that our already impaired thinking capacity is diminished even further among submissive men due to having small ‘little’ heads.

Here’s another hot one. The same dominant woman mentioned in her blog how she got an email from a guy asking her if she would like to cut off a man’s testicles and penis.

Can you imagine? Are there men out there who actually desire this? Or are they concerned that a dominant woman would actually want to do this to her man?

I had to chuckle at this one, not because it was so outlandish as to be absurd, but because it put me in mind of a time some years ago. Goddess V and I were out having fun with another couple when the subject turned to “pussy-whipped” husbands. The other husband and I joked about how when a guy gets married, the wife pretty takes control of this balls to the point where the guy has to ask something like, “Hey honey, can I wear my balls tonight?”

A few weeks later as a gag gift, since both of us had agreed we were no longer in possession of our family jewels, the same guy presented me with a set of truck testicles. This happened about the time Goddess V and I were talking about adopting a FemDom relationship. Before the evening was over, she had taken possession of my replacement balls and tucked them away in her purse for safe keeping. Goddess V usually carries a large purse—perhaps in case she encounters a large set of balls she needs to take control of—LOL.

No matter. I didn’t mind Goddess V taking away my testicles. I can assure you however, this was the closest we have ever come to anything remotely concerning castration.

The length (and girth?) of penetration

Across the Internet a friend recently wrote on her blog about “the length of sex”. I added a comment to that post and in so doing I thought I’d like to say a bit more. My own title here admittedly is misleading because I’ve deliberately alluded to what could be considered a corollary issue. My friend’s original post dealt only with duration of sex: specifically, an Australian study reporting common duration of sex (and I assume, penetration) to be between 3 and 13 minutes. That led to discussion and comments speculating as to whether or not prolonged penetration is truly preferable, and if not, why we as a culture might be predisposed to think that it is.

As a male I certainly can’t profess to be an expert on how women feel about penetration, but I’d hazard a guess that more men than women consider prolonged periods of penetration to be desirable if not necessary to truly satisfy a woman. I suspect the pornography industry is the culprit here. Male studs in these movies go and go and go before they, ah, cum. If they didn’t go the full distance during the original shoot (sorry, couldn’t resist), video can be edited in such a way as to give the impression that they did. I’ve watched some of those guys have at it and couldn’t help but think to myself, “Damn, he’s the man.” And what of the sex kittens on the business end of the impressive length and girth these studs always seem to wield? Not a whole lot of purring going on as far as kittens go, but if one can judge pleasure by the number of times they shout, “Oh yeah, oh yeah,” I’m guessing they love every exhausting minute.

Men need to get over their bad selves. I mean, where do guys get the idea that great sex… good sex… ANY kind of sex needs to revolve around that little guy between their legs. Yeah, I said little—compared to an eight pound baby (and I’ve popped out four of them), ALL cocks are little. Here’s another thought that might prick a few over inflated egos! Since VK and I went FemDom, we’ve had less intercourse—a lot less—and I’m having more powerful orgasms than ever. ☺ Intercourse, of any duration, no longer defines how we have sex. It can still be one of the ingredients, but when it is, it’s never the main event the way it used to be. You might say that I have reduced Vk’s penis to playing a less prominent role in our sexual activities.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sexual intercourse. I think most women would admit there are times when a woman just wants a good, hard fuck. But I also think that’s more the exception than the rule. So apart from that, I like intercourse not so much for physical pleasure and more for the emotional connection it provides between two people who love each other. The fact of the matter is I never got off all that well during intercourse anyway—not nearly like I do in other ways. It always seemed to me that intercourse somehow benefited the man more than the woman anyway. I gave up too many mercy fucks in my twenties and thirties because I allowed a man to make me feel guilty if I denied him. It was easier just to spread my legs. I doubt there’s a wife on the planet who hasn’t made a grocery list in her head while hubby humped away. Oh how the rules have changed!

International Women’s Day


A global day of celebration, March 8th is a day on which thousands of events are held throughout the world connecting all women around the world to recognize their accomplishments and to inspire them to achieve their full potential. IWD is certainly a good thing, but I think it’s interesting that while the world sets aside a meager one day each year to celebrate the glory of being a women, those of us fortunate to be in wife-led marriages and female-led relationships celebrate it every day of the year.

Tintinnabulation, chocolate chip cookies and other creative ways to discipline your man


This dominant matriarch went from baking chocolate chip cookies with the grandkids to ordering grand pop to worship her gnarly feet before she thumps his ass with the same wooden spoon she used to mix the cookie batter. I’m thinking: this ain’t your average submissive man’s fantasy when it comes to domestic discipline. Submissive men tend to have ideas in their heads, often artfully constructed ideas, governing how they see themselves being controlled and disciplined. Reality however, usually plays out differently.

Over in the VOT Forum they’ve been sharing real-world methods that some of the dominant women members use to enforce and maintain control over their submissive men. There’s definitely spanking going on in many of the wife-led households, but it’s often cited that the challenge with this is a submissive man often enjoys being spanked. So what’s the point of using spanking as discipline? Ditto for other forms of discipline and enforcement. And no, the lady pictured in the photo is not Goddess V. She just happens to be wearing pink pumps that look very similar to Goddess V’s. Apparently both dominant ladies were attracted to the same shoes. Imagine that.

Fantasies aside, it comes down to finding practical disciplinary procedures and other effective methods for a dominant woman to send her man the message that She is in charge. VOT ladies have suggested that if a man enjoys being spanked, a better way to discipline is not to give a spanking but to withhold it. I guess you could say the rule of thumb here is to find something he likes and take it away: a favorite TV show, the Internet, etc… Other methods they use include “parking” their man, (having him stay in one place without moving); corner time (with or without the stool and the dunce cap); holding a coin against a wall with his nose; sleeping on the floor; not allowing their man to worship them in whatever ways they normally enjoy. The list goes on, with the emphasis on being creative and variation of the enforcement methods.

People are apt to consider discipline and punishment as being the same thing, so I think it important to draw a distinction between the two. Discipline is an on-going regiment meant to achieve and maintain a certain behavior. In this case of course the desired behavior is the male’s submission to the female’s authority. As such, discipline may include a reminder of consequences if the desired regiment is not maintained. Punishment on the other hand IS the consequence that is incurred when the desired regiment is not maintained.

I personally have come to believe that domestic discipline is a necessary part of a wife-led marriage. I won’t speak for all submissive men (you guys can chime in if you like), but speaking strictly for myself, I feel as if I need a routine of discipline. Sometimes more so than others. Sometimes more than what Goddess V subjects me to. You can keep the dog crate for use with Fido, but I do happen to like being spanked. But wait. Let me back up a little. I like the IDEA of being spanked. I suppose it has to do with the feeling of vulnerability and humiliation of being turned over a woman’s knee. Yes, it also has an erotic nature to it, especially when the spanking leads to play time. But make no mistake: not being a masochist, I do not enjoy the pain. So at least on a conscious level, I can’t say I ever deliberately misbehave just to receive a spanking.

So how about a few more imaginative ways to discipline or punish a problem sub hub. Hey, how about putting a lock on the cookie jar instead of you-know-what? No more homemade chocolate chip cookies! Or how about having hubby clean house au natural with a couple of bells tied to his tallywhacker while he recites Edgar Allen Poe:
…the swinging and the ringing… the jingling and the tinkling… the tintinnabulation that so musically wells from the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells…

Incidentally, this photo shown is of an actual wind chime that was excavated from the ruins of Pompeii. Residents of that ancient city surely must have been a fun loving lot.