The length (and girth?) of penetration

Across the Internet a friend recently wrote on her blog about “the length of sex”. I added a comment to that post and in so doing I thought I’d like to say a bit more. My own title here admittedly is misleading because I’ve deliberately alluded to what could be considered a corollary issue. My friend’s original post dealt only with duration of sex: specifically, an Australian study reporting common duration of sex (and I assume, penetration) to be between 3 and 13 minutes. That led to discussion and comments speculating as to whether or not prolonged penetration is truly preferable, and if not, why we as a culture might be predisposed to think that it is.

As a male I certainly can’t profess to be an expert on how women feel about penetration, but I’d hazard a guess that more men than women consider prolonged periods of penetration to be desirable if not necessary to truly satisfy a woman. I suspect the pornography industry is the culprit here. Male studs in these movies go and go and go before they, ah, cum. If they didn’t go the full distance during the original shoot (sorry, couldn’t resist), video can be edited in such a way as to give the impression that they did. I’ve watched some of those guys have at it and couldn’t help but think to myself, “Damn, he’s the man.” And what of the sex kittens on the business end of the impressive length and girth these studs always seem to wield? Not a whole lot of purring going on as far as kittens go, but if one can judge pleasure by the number of times they shout, “Oh yeah, oh yeah,” I’m guessing they love every exhausting minute.

Men need to get over their bad selves. I mean, where do guys get the idea that great sex… good sex… ANY kind of sex needs to revolve around that little guy between their legs. Yeah, I said little—compared to an eight pound baby (and I’ve popped out four of them), ALL cocks are little. Here’s another thought that might prick a few over inflated egos! Since VK and I went FemDom, we’ve had less intercourse—a lot less—and I’m having more powerful orgasms than ever. ☺ Intercourse, of any duration, no longer defines how we have sex. It can still be one of the ingredients, but when it is, it’s never the main event the way it used to be. You might say that I have reduced Vk’s penis to playing a less prominent role in our sexual activities.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sexual intercourse. I think most women would admit there are times when a woman just wants a good, hard fuck. But I also think that’s more the exception than the rule. So apart from that, I like intercourse not so much for physical pleasure and more for the emotional connection it provides between two people who love each other. The fact of the matter is I never got off all that well during intercourse anyway—not nearly like I do in other ways. It always seemed to me that intercourse somehow benefited the man more than the woman anyway. I gave up too many mercy fucks in my twenties and thirties because I allowed a man to make me feel guilty if I denied him. It was easier just to spread my legs. I doubt there’s a wife on the planet who hasn’t made a grocery list in her head while hubby humped away. Oh how the rules have changed!

Back in the saddle… err… cage again

Last Monday evening VK and I spent some time in our hot tub after dinner. Afterward, as usual, I left my wet towel laying on the floor of our bedroom, expecting him to take care of it—which he did. Then I went into our living room to watch some TV and do a crossword puzzle while VK stayed in our bedroom to fold two baskets of laundry he had done earlier. He was getting up at 4 am the following morning to go out of town, so when he finished the laundry he came into the living room to kiss me good-night. Standing in front of me he discretely pulled open the fly of his flannel lounging pants to reveal he had put on his CB3000. VK had run the hasp of the lock through the locking pin to temporarily hold everything together, but he hadn’t closed it. “Care to do the honors?” he asked.

It had been since last March that I’d worn my CD due to a series of health issues and surgeries. We hadn’t been using the device 24/7, but we were beginning to use it more regularly when my health issues came along. I’d had the CB3000 on again for the first time a couple of weeks ago, for five days as I recall, but had to remove it because it was chaffing too badly. I figured I’d give it another shot to see what happened.

Last Spring when Goddess V and I were talking about chastity, she said she didn’t want the chastity device thing to become a chore for her to concern herself with. She said while there would be times when she would instruct me to put my CD on, she saw no reason why I couldn’t take the lead on using it. For instance, when I was going out of town (knowing she likes it when I’m locked up), I should take it upon myself to put on the device without being instructed to do so, then simply ask her to install the lock. It felt a little awkward to me, almost as if I were topping from the bottom, but since Goddess V had suggested we handle it this way, that’s what I did. I also had to wait until the kids were upstairs so they couldn’t see what was going on. I suppose it might have been nicer to have a more formal “locking ceremony”, but as it was, she was pleasantly surprised, smiled at me and said, “Ewww, I LIKE it.” Confirmation that the woman I worship was pleased made all the difference. I went to bed feeling good about the lock on my cock being a symbol of my submission to her.

Some dominant wives might think this is a lax way to deal with a husband’s chastity. I know that some favor the use of devices and some don’t. I’m kind of in the middle. I trust VK enough that I don’t feel as though we must use the CB3000 all the time. On the other hand, I kinda like seeing him locked up. It’s that hardware thing I’ve got going on. Those who do use a CD probably take a more hands-on approach than I do with VK. But truth be told, for me to constantly enforce my husband’s chastity with a device is a chore I don’t particularly what to be burdened with. I figure, why can’t it be like the laundry? VK knows it’s his job to do it without me telling him to. So why can’t he also lock himself up without being told.

A dominant woman I know wrote on her blog, “I think that orgasm control is a main tenet of a female led relationship. In the FLRs that I am aware of, almost every one that is successful includes orgasm control in some way. Some use the honor method and some use chastity devices. Personally, I am a fan of the chastity device concept. I don’t trust a man not to cheat, and also I think that the device encourages the behavior that I expect from a man. Most submissive men I know both desire and fear this until they use one. And most I have talked to who have used them for a while wouldn’t give them up.”

24/7 chastity is an intriguing idea—and I’m not saying this isn’t something I won’t decide I want in the future. My D/s experience is limited to my FLR with VeezKnight, but from what I’ve experience with him, I agree. I’m seeing there’s a lot to be said for enforced male chastity. One way or another, the more absolute a woman’s control over her husband’s orgasms the better… and I’m finding that the sub hub likes it as well. That’s VK in the photo above, wearing boxers he designed and gave to me this Christmas. So what’s that tell you? 🙂

This month on Around Her Finger, even Emily Addison, who is careful to steer clear of what some might consider to be kinkier sides of wife-led marriage advised a reader, “Take whatever measures are necessary to make certain he is not cheating on your orgasm management.” Even without her adding the bold typeface, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she is really saying, even if you have to put a lock on that thing, make sure he isn’t taking care of himself on his own. When I’m out and about and wearing my CB3000, I constantly wonder how man other men are wearing a CD. Certainly not many, but that number may be increasing faster than we know as wives get wise to the many benefits of wife-led marriage.

“Rules,” expectations, and real-life solutions

First off, as we’ve said before, there really are no hard and fast “rules” per se when it comes to FemDom and a wife-led marriage. In fact, if we had to acknowledge there being even just one “rule,” it would be that a wife and husband must communicate honestly with one another on a continual basis. This only makes good sense regardless of what kind of relationship two people have.

There are, however, certain guidelines, or modes of thinking if you will, that distinguish FemDom from traditional relationships. Actually, these guidelines are nothing more than logical conclusions drawn from a different interpretation (and we think, a better understanding) of how Nature intended a woman and man to interact with one another– based solely on their sexuality. These guidelines in turn can lead to building certain expectations in our minds, expectations over how FemDom and female authority is “supposed” to work. We all know what can happen when we hold expectations. Too often we end up being disappointed when something fails to measure up to expectations we had built up in our mind.

Generally speaking, it is a fact of nature that a man is more sexually driven than a woman. He masturbates more often. He thinks about and wants sex more often. When he has it, he thinks about what it was like long after its over. If he hasn’t had sex recently, he thinks about how long its been and how long it might be before he has it again. Being more visually oriented than a woman, a man is more attracted to the female’s body than she is to his. When he meets a woman, it’s typically not long before he imagines how she looks in the nude, and not much longer before he fantasizes about what it would be like to have sex with her. Granted, some men control this better than others, but ultimately, a typical male cannot help himself. It’s how he is wired.

One of the guidelines in a female-led relationship is orgasm management: the woman controls the man’s sexual release. She determines when, where and how he can experience an orgasm. Given the human male’s sexuality, one would think this would be objectionable for the average man. Yet the opposite is true. A man actually welcomes the opportunity to relinquish control of his sexual release to a woman’s authority. Perhaps this is because part of him knows he can never fully control it on his own, or because he intuitively knows he will be a better man when it is under the control of a loving woman. Nonetheless, this is why the majority of FemDom relationships begin at the suggestion of the male.

Except that the male psyche is such that relinquishing this control to a woman isn’t enough to satisfy him. He needs to be reminded of this exchange of power. The more often, the better. He needs to know that she is deliberately using her control to manipulate him in ways that suit her, in ways that bring her pleasure, and in ways that benefit their overall relationship. The more overtly she demonstrates this to him, the greater the control she maintains over him. It is the ultimate turn-on for a man. Ultimately it keeps him in a constant state of arousal (sexual and mental) that is focused exclusively on the woman in his life.

When a couple enters into a FemDom relationship, the man is more aware of this than the woman. Most likely, he wants it more than she. Thus he has certain expectations of how his newly dominant lady will use her authority; and thus, he sets himself up for frustration from the get-go. Critics of this lifestyle are quick to point out that it amounts to little more than the woman pandering to the male’s desires, playing the game just to satisfy his sexual fantasies (“topping from the bottom”). In a narrow sense, I would agree, simply because it seems the majority of women don’t initially seek out relationships in which they exercise such overt control over their men. So agreeing to try this dynamic could qualify as acquiescing to male desires. But when you consider a broader scope, the picture changes.

In the beginning it may seem like the woman is playing to her man to satisfy some kinky fantasy. But the fact of the matter is, when a man finally gets up enough nerve to confess his desires, he is sharing with her one of his most intimate secrets. And if you look past the sexual context, isn’t this what a woman wants most from her man? Doesn’t she want him to share with her his inner most hopes and dreams? Isn’t this a big part of how a woman defines intimacy in a relationship? Submissive men who read this know this to be true. So do the dominant women. But for the rest who aren’t in a FemDom relationship, once a woman establishes firm control over her man’s sexuality, he is powerless to resist it. The more she demonstrates this to him, the more he realizes he is powerless to resist, and the happier he is.

Who woulda thunk it?

This is where topping from the bottom ends and it becomes all about the woman. This is where a woman eventually comes to realize there is no reasonable limit to the power she has to shape her marriage and her man into whatever she wants them to be. If she isn’t already, I think she can become more confident in her own sexuality as a woman–and also in all other aspects of her life both inside and outside the home.

Does a man fully comprehend this going into it? Maybe not totally but I think he does to a degree. I think by agreeing to turn over control of his sexuality, a man is saying that he wants her to establish authority over him and that he trusts her to use her authority wisely. It’s a damn good thing that most women have the smarts to do just that! My issue with this however, is that I thought, CRAP, on top of everything else, this is one more damn thing I have to be responsible for. Being a goddess is supposed to make my life EASIER– not more complicated!

The way I see it is, if I’m the goddess, then I get to decide what we do and how we do it. So not long ago I decided that while orgasm management is a good thing, it isn’t something that I wanted to be totally responsible for. I told VK that I still will absolutely be the one to decide when and how he has an orgasm. And sex will still be primarily all about ME. But I don’t want to have to put up with any grumpiness if he thinks it’s been too long since we were intimate or since his last release. I’m usually well aware of how long it’s been, and I’m okay with teasing him—maybe not everyday—but often enough to keep the poor boy on edge. But there are lots of things going on in our life that intervene. I don’t want to always be the one to find the time to be sexually intimate. I don’t want to be the one who always has to set the stage. So I told VK, just come to me and suggest it. I’d rather he ask than mope around waiting for me to always be the initiator. Or get pissed off because he thinks I’m not holding up my end of the relationship.

If I’m in the mood, or I think I can get in the mood, we’ll go ahead and do whatever, even if its only allowing him to masturbate while I supervise. Geez, I’m not a heartless bitch– its easy enough to take a few minutes to watch while he takes the edge off. If I think he should. This is not to say that VK has only to ask in order to receive. Not likely. That would destroy the management dynamic and the control I know he graves. But for me, our arrangement lightens what I saw as an added burden on me. And it helps eliminate expectations in his mind, and in mine too, of how our FemDom relationship “should” work or how often this or that “should” happen. To the point VK made at the beginning of this post, there are no set “rules” of how a wife-led marriage must work. As long as wife and husband communicate honestly with one another, they can find what works for them.